Sugar’s Hold

by plermpt

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” said sugar. “Why not an avocado?” said someone that never saw the light of God again.

Sugar is clever. When it blamed saturated fat, we believed. After all, sat fat causes heart attacks. And look at us. We are fat! Saturated fats are the cause of all of this. The more fat we consume, the more our bodies store it on our stomachs and under our chins, and behind our ears and knees. Our fat is hidden in plain sight, growing ordinary over the course of generations while we are passed out on the couch. Now everyone is fat somewhere! But we don’t want to be fat anymore, so we listened to sugar.

Of course we knew that we didn’t need sugar too. But we didn’t choose sugar. Sugar chose us. Sugar chose us to choose it. Sugar *knows* that it makes everyone feel happy, that it provides comfort that begins inside the mouth and spreads throughout the body, and that it makes *everything* better. And it starts in the brain. But we know this, and we show restraint. We think.

This is why we are ashamed when we eat two desserts. It is supposed to be moderated because it has ~no nutrients~

Sugar, therefore, should be moderated for personal use. Alcohol is totally fine in moderation. Hell, heroin is fine in moderation, though its addictive properties make it difficult to control…and its instant, unpredictable fatalities make it obviously dangerous. So heroin is illegal for this reason and also it doesn’t taste good like sugar does. Also children can’t celebrate birthdays with heroin cake.

But we don’t even know how much sugar is in all things. Not just candy or the liquid candy. Sugar is even in the good fruit. The God made fruit. Fruit was nature’s dessert. Yes, fruit has sugar in it. Yes, sugar is God made. So God also made the devil. Ok. But fruit has other nutrients. That’s why I heard my mom screech, “Eat a fruit!” when I reached for an Oreo. Cookies have no nutrients. They are wondrous works of art, but they are the devil in disguise.

Look what happened when Eve couldn’t resist the forbidden fruit, and look what it did to all of us!

Sugar latches itself onto anything. Makes itself irresistible to the brain when it circulates in the blood for long enough. One bite from a woman thousands of years ago was all it took to damn all of mankind’s discoveries.

It is not enough that caffeine exists on its own…it also has to be sweet. Everything has to be sweet. That pulse that swells the veins on the skull…that has to be sweet blood. “I’ll take three sugars please. [looks to the person on line behind them] At least its not five sugars though, right?”

Coffee is old, like sugar. Unlike coffee, sugar cannot be consumed alone. (Yes, I have eaten sugar cubes when constructing a model igloo in 2nd grade.)But coffee can be consumed without sugar. Enjoy the bean drink for the flavor of the bean. The flavors can be learned and appreciated. Like a class. Like wine. But wine is sugar class. There is sugar in alcohol too.

That’s what I’ve learned. Put milk in it if you need that shit, but there is sugar in milk too. Mix wine with milk if you want to meet the devil sooner.

They like to talk about our reliance on foreign oil like its a bad thing. Oil is useful. What about your body’s reliance on sugar? Sugar isn’t useful for anything other than shackling your body to the devil.

But is looks so cute! And therefore harmless. And it tastes so good. That’s why sugar is sexy to me. Because the consequence of teal colored sprinkles on a fluffy white cake is your toes melting off your foot. Have you ever seen an autopsy of an overweight person? Not obese, just regular overweight?

And ask anyone with thirty ulcers in their stomach where they got it from: splenda and aspertame. Sugar substitutes. Sugar doesn’t just come in granules anymore. It is made in labs. So when the label says sugar free, it doesn’t actually mean it. There is still some meet-the-devil sweetener in there. Nothing in life is free. Today the devil is man made, and is just as addictive.

Drink a big gulp if you want to, but when you do it more than once a week, you have been captured by the devil, and when the devil has your health, does it matter how good you are to others? You have failed yourself first, the most important person in the world!

Enjoy it the way you like it, but remember:

There is a Satan. We know him in everything we eat.

Think about it like this quote that’s probably from The Hobbit: “The greatest thing the devil did was convince the world he did not exist.”

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