worst places to buy crack

by plermpt

It’s true: less people are smoking crack.

Don’t believe me? Go outside and walk to the corner. Wait for fifteen minutes. Did anybody try to sell you crack in those fifteen minutes? Now go back inside. Suddenly its 1983. Try to go outside now. In the hallway of your apartment building a suspicious man approaches you. He is selling crack. You walk down the stairs because you live on the third floor and the wait for the elevator is longer than a walk down the stairs. In the stairwell you come across a crack sale in progress. Finally on the street. It is raining a little bit. A man in a yellow raincoat has an equally yellow rock for sale. You haven’t even reached the corner yet.

We are living back in the present again. Do you understand the differences now? If less crack is sold, then less crack is smoked. This is simple economics, and its not a good thing if you want to try for the first time.

Now don’t be bashful Nancy. I know that I’ve peaked your interest in that good stuff, I can see the crimson in your cheeks and I know what your thinking: if you can’t find crack everywhere, can you find it anywhere?


When you travel to the following places don’t get your hopes up; you won’t be able to buy crack.

The Mountain


I used to be just like you Nancy, so I know what you’re thinkin’. The Mountain. It’s made of a big rock, just like those yummy nuggets from the early 80s. But…..that rock is not a crack rock. Sorry. There are no dealers on the mountain, trust me. Its too dangerous. Dealers are easily frightened. They are afraid of slippin’ on the way to the top of The Mountain. Yeah, I know it must be cool to buy a rock at the top of a rock, but its not feasible from a business perspective, even if its safe from undercover cops.

And yes, I went to the mountain. I trudged up the muddy path and when I reached the top I did not find any shady Puerto Rican crack dealers asking me if I’m an undercover cop before handing me a $50 rock. Just a majestic forest of pine and the solemn indifference of nature.

Any Family Place


A family place is safe for children. No cussing, no smokers, plenty of cake and soda and pizza. The backyard of a non-smoking bar is debatably a family place. Sometimes Mommy needs a drink. Mommy might also need a rock, but this is not the place. Basically, a family place is anywhere a family is not threatened with violence. Where we find drugs like crack we usually find poverty and  occasional violence, whether its between two cranky junkies or two beefing dealers. You may never be in fear of getting busted by an undercover cop in a family place though, which might be the only benefit besides the great time you’ll have with your kids. These places might be nice, but even if you have a family don’t expect to be able to buy any new rocks.

That Lighthouse


It’s pretty at the top, the view is actually really incredible, definitely worth the $15 entry fee and the walk up 113 steps. You can see the entire harbor and the small fishing village behind it where men toil, devoting their lives to fish and family.



Good fuckin’ luck Nancy. Crack doesn’t really exist in Japan. Japanese drug users prefer meth. There is some cool stuff to see in Japan though, but I’m not sure how you’re supposed to be high on crack when you do any of it.

Tha Club

Las Vegas, NV, Thursday, A$AP ROCKY performs inside of TAO Nightclub.

You’ll find the worst in designer drugs here, but you won’t find any crack. Whats worse is getting laughed at for asking, if you can hear it over the beat.

The Collegiate School


You need an appointment to go inside, so already there is a hurdle.

If you make an appointment you’ll be disappointed to find that its not with a crack dealer, because elementary school age children in private school are not interested in smoking crack.

You will be lost. You will look stupid and worse, you won’t be high. Someone might say ‘Can I help you?’ and you’ll get scared and run. And on that run you will not be offered crack by anybody.

This isn’t the heyday. There isn’t anybody at these places that will have crack ready for sale. I’m sorry, but its true. For years I foolishly left the house with a wallet and some cash to prepare myself for the chance that I would come upon a gentleman with crack for sale, and for years I was never approached. Worse, when I asked I was humiliated in front of my colleagues. Even when I visited the rougher neighborhoods, the corner men wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole because I looked like a police officer. A tumbleweed floating down an empty Mott Haven road would be an accurate representation of the amount of crack sales currently taking place in NYC.

I know you want to believe otherwise, but I need to be realistic about the war against crack. It hurts everyone that only wants to try it once. Worst of all it hurts the addicts. They will never be able to forget the taste of those nuggets, the billowy ecstasy that engulfs the chest and fills the head place…

BUT–There are absolutely no undercover police officers in the places listed–guaranteed. What reason do they have to be there? Where there is no crack there are no cops, which is promising if you are constantly distracted by the prospect of being watched. Might these places be worth visiting because they are free from the crack rock? Its too early to think about anything else.

Wow. I must really miss smoking crack :/