the difference between a baker and a lawyer

by plermpt

Everywhere, and pretty much everyday, people are living their lives.

And it’s really disheartening, but not altogether their fault, when these living people, in their private discussions with their family and friends, mistake a baker and a lawyer.

I know what society demands of us on the daily: reading through hundreds of pages of abstruse academia, changing the diapers of our elderly parents and/or our newborn daughters, working a full shift of no more than exactly eight hours. And apparently there is a presidential election this year?

If we are not exhausted at the end of such a day then we are dead.

Sigh…life can be pretty stressful sometimes, which is precisely why I cannot place blame onto those too frazzled to understand the subtle complexities between the duties of a baker and the duties of a lawyer, especially as life’s grip strengthens.

What was my uncle complaining about again?

Were there too many bakers? Or did we need more lawyers? Who can remember?

How many times have overheard this exact conversation, but were powerless to clarify?

Hey Vinny.

Oh. Hi Sal, I didn’t see you come in.

That’s me!

Hey what’s the difference between a baker and a lawyer anyway?

A what? Hm, not sure. I always confused.

Not me, I’m incredibly enlightened, but I still can’t tell the difference between a baker and a lawyer.

The differences are probably negligible, if  there are any at all.

I don’t want to believe that Sal said this, but then I wouldn’t admit to living in reality.

Before I looked it up, I didn’t know there were any differences either. I sat dumbly and waited for the conversation to veer inevitably towards securities regulation or the 7 basic butter creams.

My cheeks are getting red…I really don’t want to lose my temper and make a scene in the office again.

So, as a person with free time and an arcane interest in both law and baking, the responsibility has fallen on me to draw the differences, and for the good of every future generation, I willingly accept.

To begin:

Law replaces bloodshed and makes messy situations clean.

Bakers make bloodless messes in order to create something delicious.

Lawyers are rarely covered with flour after a long morning kneading dough and greasing pans.

Bakers are less likely to construct a contract compliance matrix, and instead are more likely to bake goods for a corporate catered event.

Bakers make food to eat. Lawyers apply abstract legal theories to individual problems.

(It gets easier, trust me.)

Some lawyers enjoy the taste of baked goods, like a cinnamon bun, or a pound cake. Conversely, some bakers need the assistance of a lawyer for legal matters, like facility regulation, or licensing issues. Sometimes, lawyers do not interact with bakers at all, besides buying a donut, or a cup of coffee. The same goes for bakers, who may never step into family court, unless they are hand delivering a dozen fresh bagels to a litigator, for example.

Think of it this way:

If a lawyer tried to bake a cake before an appearance in court he would get frosting on his suit! Imagine how unprofessional that would look to the jury, or the judge, or the prosecution!

He might appear in court and in the movies the judge would say, “Did you bring some for the rest of us?” The lawyer might then look directly into camera and smirk to us, the audience, and we would sit there and slap our knees, stomp our feet because this isn’t how our justice system works, right?  The judge would be wearing a baker’s hat and his hands would be red and peeling and covered with bandages if he were recovering from third degree burns.

We would sit there and laugh and laugh, but the humor would be lost on us.

If this happened where I live, in reality, the lawyer  would give a goofy smile, but no one would laugh because it would be at an arraignment and the mood would be very tense, and maybe a saint would force a cough to ease the mood, but that’s it. And coughs don’t always work. A cupcake won’t ease the sentencing process as much as a good defense case will.

Furthermore, offices environments typically celebrate the birthdays of beloved employees with a Vienna sponge cake. In this respect, law offices are no different. But this common tradition unfairly blurs the distinction between the two.

baker:lawyer

An overworked partner taking a break from his trademark application form might do so with a buttered roll.

Am I making you think yet?

Lawyers and bakers are both people. Not many people can be bakers. Baking takes years of learning. Like Law.

Baking a cake only requires buying the correct ingredients, but baking a cake that a stranger wants to buy is a real challenge. That is why some bakers are professional and some are moms looking for a good time.

And here is that final ‘Aha!’ moment: All lawyers are professional, but not all bakers are professional.

Ok.

I think you have learned some things you didn’t know existed before by reading this, which has made you smarter. You can take it from here.

Hopefully next time before you talk you will think, “Am I ignorant?”

 

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