teach your children about the raisin man
when the raisin man secretly follows me home at night he waits for me to fall asleep before removing the bulb from the lamp on my nightstand, unplugging my alarm clock, and pouring my glass of water onto my bed.
once i am wet i wake up to the hideous outline of his bulbous figure gyrating his hips in a disgusting twirl, clutching my baby monitor and whispering threats to my infant daughter fast asleep in the next room. on principle i refuse to be intimidated by these scare tactics, but i am in fear for my family’s safety for speaking out, which is an imperative for the future generations.
although it seems hard to believe now, the terrifying rise of the raisin man can be traced back to beyonce, who deserves the onus of blame for legitimizing his political conduct.
on stage, standing beside the world’s most talented person during pop music’s biggest night was a cadaverous specter, eerily shy, with blistered lips and loose, creamy skin. upon accepting the award for greatest living artist beyonce introduced the raisin man as her adopted son, and perplexed fans nationwide. beyonce already had a pristine public image, so this benevolence, even if it was a PR stunt, was suspicious to even the most ardent pop culture followers.
the mass media carnival never investigated the foggy origins of beyonce’s relationship with the raisin man. over the following months image galleries on gossip blogs showed the raisin man relaxing poolside, smoking cigars with beyonce’s feeble and senile husband as she rubbed cream on his dessicated back. seeing beyonce perform live now meant withstanding the raisin man’s unfunny skits between her songs. over time the public softened their views of the raisin man, who eventually became a household name as an associate of the beyonce syndicate.
the raisin man established himself as a beyonce ambassador during these formative years, and without opposition became beyonce’s official replacement when he gave the eulogy at the funeral for her career. his tearful address, lightly peppered with his now signature polemic gymnastics, disclosed his oratory skills. that crowd erupted in a tearful standing ovation as beyonce historically embraced the raisin man. on the same day the mass media ran this hug as a cover story they failed to report the death of thousands due to a famine originating in the houston outskirts.
before beyonce’s funeral the raisin man’s origin was a topic for dissidents only. was he a shriveled bean come alive after feeding off humanity’s hatred over thousands of years in a jungle cave? or was he a mummified corpse reanimated when an inquisitive archaeologist on the hunt for hell crystals read aloud some alien hieroglyphs? such fastidious lore distracted from the real issue: the raisin man as celebrity supported demagogue with an enigmatic agenda and growing sphere of influence among a firm fan base.
whether it was to fill the void that beyonce left, or because they actually believed in the message of the raisin man, aging beyonce fans are now ideologues and raisin man apologists that have been swayed to buy and vote accordingly. they buy his protein shake, watch his netflix original series “raisin hell” and deny all evidence of his engineered wildfires. beyonce sold her brand to the raisin man, which made enslavement to his doctrine fashionable. in the same way that beyonce’s raw talent can never be disputed, neither can her nurtured destruction of mankind at the claws of the raisin man be forgiven.
as an outspoken critic of the raisin man i am constantly bullied by beyonce fans/raisin man supporters. they claim that i hate the raisin man because of his looks, and that i don’t have the right to criticize the raisin man because i was never a beyonce fan! but beyonce was a performer, she was not running for public office and she didn’t align herself with any socio-political movement. the raisin man is using her popularity to starve civilians! he has his wretched fingers in a medley of secret economic wars buying unions and altering working class wages. just because beyonce’s army of celebrities apologize on behalf of the raisin man during football’s biggest night doesn’t mean that his systemic plagues don’t devastate working class, rural american towns.
these pretty faces do not speak for us, they speak at us; they are paid to coddle the public. will smith will not find a human ear in his sock drawer and mila kunis doesn’t return home to find a photo of the raisin man’s shriveled penis after a day at the beach in her daughter’s empty crib. i have never felt sicker than when kylie jenner thanked the public for their successful facebook campaign to dismiss “offensive evidence” and exonerate the charges made against the raisin man at his war crimes tribunal.
the raisin man likes to say that i have a personality disorder, but this straw man is not an argument for his bully tactics and the repressive policies he supports. my only “disorder” is criticizing the raisin man. i try to support my family with the slender salary of a working man but the raisin man droughts are choking our productivity. my aunt is sick because of the raisin man. the raisin man took joe’s eyes; now he must listen to book on tape. i stand by my foolhardy values by refusing to accept this malfeasance despite imminent harm to my family.
parents, be proactive with your children and educate them with firm opposition as early as possible. don’t wait for their questions about the raisin man; we cannot rely on the schools to educate them properly. resistance begins with our youth. if we do not stand together to dispel the raisin man’s phony miracles we will soon see our children mobilized to fight a secret civil war.