if you are a dude i am speaking for you and about you. ladies i am talking at you, so take notes:
every guy is under societal pressure to have that perfect asshole. our families. the media. our lovers. the workplace. our children. the state. even lou makes comments sometimes.
when i relax in front of a television i see criminologists with juicy lips and gorgeous eyes. when i’m shackled in a court room and i look at the judge i see the resemblance to Thor: a beefy blonde with chiseled jaw and flowing blonde locks. its clear that his “perfect” asshole was rewarded with a powerful lifestyle that affords him the luxury of shampoo. i can’t afford those anti-vitamins necessary for asshole amplifying, but that doesn’t make me any less masculine than my punishment professional.
at first its like when someone presses their thumbs into your eye sockets while you try to eat a hot stew. annoying, but manageable. however, over the course of a man’s lifetime the pressure mounts. soon it resembles the pressure of the deepest of seas and the blackest of holes combined: an uninhabitable living condition that can have an adverse effect on the health of the asshole that is the source of so much scrutiny.
no doubt that the soul of masculinity is represented by a man’s asshole. but because all men are born unique, and all assholes are different, this superficial perfection is unreachable for most. ladies, spend one day at the beach if you don’t know what i’m talking about.
as a kid i was taught that i needed to be successful in order to support my family. as a teen in sex-ed i was taught that i could impregnate a girl with my penis, and that this ability should be taken very seriously and with proper precaution. but i was never taught to be confident about my asshole’s individuality. they put pressure on my asshole by saying that sex felt great, but they never told me how to get a woman to notice my unique asshole; they told me how to be careful. they never encouraged me, or offered counsel when girls laughed at my acne without ever seeing my asshole. i felt society closing in on me because i was judged by the look of my asshole, a consequence of my unwilling birth.
i never felt more masculine in my life than when i cut off my penis to get worker’s compensation. my penis shackled my asshole to society’s need for me to support a woman and a family, something that was never a fit for my personality. i’m not interested in success. i never liked chores. owning a lawn means mowing a lawn though i’ve always preferred the look of an unkempt lawn. my mother thinks its because i am messy and lazy, but i think it inspires exploration and allows the grass to flourish and take on new forms.
i love my comfy reclining chair, and i think that chinese is better than pizza. someday ill die from an obesity related disease but i don’t care because i have a wonderful nephew that loves me for who i am. this resolve is what makes me masculine, not the media’s concept of a perfect asshole that too often adorns cosmo for guys. i was never interested in that crap as a pre-teen anyway.
look at this steak. its uncooked because im not hungry and don’t feel like cooking it yet. i dont need a wife to tell me to eat a steak simply because she made it and wants me to eat when she thinks i should be hungry. i can order chinese and put it on a pizza when i get hungry, usually around midnight. i didn’t even buy this steak bc i don’t like to cook, and if someone cooks for me they should always be compensated for their efforts.
one of my friends has a lawn that i can admire from afar. he sends me pictures of it before his wife forces him to mow it because he knows how much i love to see the unbridled potential of a healthy lawn.
when my nephew brian was getting teased by the girls at school i offered him some advice:
“brian, the girls tease you because they notice your penis. someday your penis may notice them too. but do not allow others to judge you by your asshole, but rather by what is inside it. your asshole is unique, and should be treated like a window to with which to gaze upon your soul. remember, even if you take away your penis, you can never take away your perfectly imperfect asshole.”