this is the perfect place to get jumped

Month: June, 2012

These kids

had an issue with me calling my mom ‘my nigga’ while we were lighting off fireworks in my backyard, which was a floating cliff overlooking the NYC skyline.

I knew these kids were trying to trap me in their treehouse for an intervention, so to avoid them I took another route. They were pissed but still cornered me in the theatre. While they whined about their issues with me, my tooth became loose and I snapped it out. I was in shock, and then one of these punks  kicked it underneath the sofa. I was on my hands and knees searching under the sofa, and when I finally found it it resembled a chlorine tablet with a tinge of green around the edges. My brother informed me that I looked terrible.

I took the tooth and placed it in some orange juice in the grocery aisle when the same shitty kid who kicked my tooth came over and started talking shit about me not having a girlfriend. So I slapped the shit out of him, and he took it like a champ. Then the dude’s dad came over and said “I’m furious with you for slapping my son,” so I said “Slap me, bitch.” Then he said: “I’d rather punch you,” so I said, “Go for it dude,” and presented my face, but he walked away.

Then I was on the airship leaving the cliff, sailing past the NYC skyline with my tooth in the orange juice container and my dad said I looked better without it.





Something like that. It was a type of lurid, red and white speckled, soft shelled crab with wildly whipping tentacles and a frothing maw that shared my prison cell. I tried to stay away from it, but as it grew tumescent the cell became more cramped. Not sure why I was imprisoned, or how I was getting out…but I do know there was other crazy shit going on and the Jawkuhlapttttingler was the least of my worries. Sometimes I can only remember the minor details.

To Do List

What I aim to try, in no particular order:

  1. Crack
  2.  Heroin
  3. DMT
  4. Moon Rocks
  5. PCP
  6. Meth
  7. Lean

Just Now

This is the last time I act a gentleman while waiting on line:

My arms were full of supplies to fix a shattered bong, yet I let a pretty, young, pregnant woman with a  nose ring ahead of me to return her mattress cover. Clumsy bitch dropped her change as the manager passed it to her, and I bent down to retrieve it. Along with the change I gave her a folded stack of dollar bills nestled in the corner where counter met floor.

As I placed it in her palm with the change I realized that she didn’t drop it. She quickly exited the store with a shit eating smirk on her face without even saying thanks. She probably needed it more than me anyway.